Thursday, January 08, 2004

OK, Judge McBryde and AUSA Jarvis got their wish: the jury was gagged, bound, tied, shackled and shoved and -- whaddya know! -- found Dick Simkanin guilty. I'm oh so proud to be an American.

Actually, I am still proud to be an American, but the America I love is almost gone. The Hamilton/Lincoln/Wilson/CFR/FDR/Rockefeller/UN transition should be complete pretty soon now. Are you excited? Do you want to live as a "human resource" of a totally unaccountable absolute government? You'll be able to do that soon. You are required to do one thing, though: continue "pardoning their dust" as they finish the adjustments.

A few suggestions:

- Don't read this blog. Well, read the rest of this entry, but then stop. (Gosh, I hope you didn't stop on a dime there! Good stuff ahead.)

- Pay no attention to Dick Simkanin, Joe Banister, Ron Branson, Bob Schulz, Geoff Metcalf, John Kotmair, ICE, Dave Champion, Henry Lamb, Joan Veon, Devvy Kidd, Bev Eakman, Charlotte Iserbyt, Alex Jones, David Martin, or any of the other whiny anti-government malcontents out there. They're a dying breed; just pity them and move on. There's plenty to do without wasting your time on irrelevant patriot nonsense.

- Watch the news on TV and read your newspaper. Rely on them; they may "spin" things according to their bias, but they'll basically tell you whatever is important.

- Pay your taxes. Harangue anyone who doesn't pay theirs (damn freeloaders!).

- Vote! Be sure to vote for whoever promises to do the most for you. Government exists to (a) provide you services, (b) meet your needs, and (c) make difficult choices for you; be sure your candidate understands that.

- If you find a gun, go get an adult. If you are an adult, go get a police officer and have them confiscate the gun. If the gun is yours, take it to the police and turn it in. Do this ASAP; every minute you delay is one more opportunity for that gun to be used in a violent crime!

- Shop at Safeway. Provide your real personal information so they can track your purchases and load your database entry with pertinent information (this may be helpful to the authorities if you are ever suspected of a crime, or if it is ever desirable that you come to be suspected of one).

- Use credit cards or checks; never pay cash (see above).

- Enroll your children in a government school (a.k.a. "public school). When -- uh, sorry, I mean of course "If" -- they lag behind others in private schools or home schooling, demand additional funding for your school district. Seek to enact strict government regulation over home schooling (only the government understands how to properly educate a child, so their control over maverick parents is crucial).

- Listen to the authorities and avoid whatever behavior they consider undesirable, regardless of what the law says. Failure to comply may cause you trouble.

- When in a courthouse, pay no mind to the little voice inside that tells you something seems wrong with how lavish it is and how puny and powerless it makes you feel. In fact, ignore that little voice pretty much all the time. It will probably just cause you trouble, too.

- Don't suspect your neighbor. Report him!

- Don't worry. Be happy.

- If two paths diverge in a wood, take the one more traveled. It's probably safer (and there's more likely to be a McDonald's that way too).

That should get you off to a good start. Oh, and if you have any further questions, consult an attorney. The Bar Association is competent, honest, omniscient, and benevolent. Good luck, and don't forget to smile and wave at me when they take me away. (In case we don't get the chance to speak directly at that point, You're Welcome in advance.)

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